Issue 26. What if we stop striving for compliments?

Setting style goals that only you can measure

Last week, after a glass of wine with a friend, we got to the topic of personal style and how hers was changing as a result of a recent move and changes to her body. We talked about her aesthetic preferences, and then she added “and of course, getting compliments on my outfits.” This addition stopped me in my tracks. It felt so obvious, and yet in that moment, so opaque. How does one create a wardrobe where compliments are a given?

In my day job as a researcher, we often talk about the importance of benchmarking: setting measurable goals that can be compared against. When it comes to our closets, we can set quantifiable goals around how often we wear things, how much we spend (or don’t spend), and, sure, we could quantify the frequency of receiving compliments. But unlike the others, receiving compliments is the only metric 100% dependent on someone else doing something. You could wear an outfit that you think is incredible, and not be complimented for a number of reasons not in your control, such as the personality, subjective taste or mindset of the people around you.

My friend specified that her goal was for own self-confidence in her outfits to lead to compliments, rather than the outfits themselves.

This got me thinking: are we setting ourselves up to fail when we strive to receive compliments? Or, is there a world in which dressing for ourselves wholeheartedly leads to appreciation from those around us? Can we have it all?

I personally no longer strive for compliments in my day to day life¹, after years of evidence that this goal failed me time and again. Not because compliments are bad, but because I found the goal conflicted with my internal compass. For instance, when I was ready to declutter an item of clothing that no longer resonated with me, I’d second guess my desire to part with it if that item had received compliments from strangers.

Plus, now that I live in a bigger body², I don’t consider compliments on my appearance as a given³. Sure, I’m still blonde and white, but in a thin-obsessed culture, there’s probably plenty of people out there that probably couldn’t imagine complimenting me simply because of my size.⁴ If not due to size, perhaps this resonates with you due to race or age, or ability instead.

Instead of seeking compliments from others, here’s a few alternative goals to consider seeking:

Self Expression

• Am I dressing in a way that expresses an aspect of my personality that I want to communicate to others?

• Am I aligning my outfits to visual and cultural references that matter to me?

Values

• Does the way I dress align with my personal values?

• Does the way I shop align with my personal values?

Internal confidence

• Am I dressing in a way that makes me feel comfortable and confident in my own skin?

• Am I dressing in a way that inspires me to think positive or neutral thoughts about my appearance?

Let me know in the comments, do you think its possible to dress for ourselves, and seek compliments?

xx,

Maureen

1. Except compliments from my husband. I love when both of us like my outfits. Also, I do pick occasion-wear items that I think will get compliments.

2. Bigger body relative to the Western thin ideal. I currently wear a size 12/ L-XL in tops and 14/16 (XL or XXL) in bottoms.

3. Katie Sturino and others in the body-positive movement would argue compliments on our bodies, generally, is unnecessary.

4. I don’t think this is fair or right. I just think its realistic.