Issue 82. Notes to Self—When to Unsubscribe
Including questions and cues that can tell us when it's time
Notes to Self is a series in which I hold myself accountable to my own style practice & invite you to join me.
Cover photo by Annie Platt via Unsplash
I’ve written extensively about the challenges I experience with separating myself from the creators and style icons that inspire me. In fact, the Intuitive Style newsletter is a direct result of my efforts to center my personal taste while staying connected to the fashion community at large. So, I know a thing or two about how hard it can be to respect our own need to disconnect while wanting to stay in the loop. Thankfully, I’ve developed a ton of techniques to re-center myself when I’m falling down an influencer rabbit hole, such as outlining what I’m not going to buy at the start of a new season.
Substack is expanding rapidly. It seems as though everyday there’s a new creator to subscribe to, and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by options. So today, I’m sharing a few things to consider when deciding when to hit “subscribe.”
But first, a quick definition: Dressing, shopping and living intuitively means paying attention to what we’re thinking and feeling. Rooted in the practice of mindfulness, listening to our intuition doesn’t require us to understand “why” nor to “fix” anything. Instead, honing our intuition simply invites us to choose to pay attention without resisting, questioning or undermining our own experience.
Often, the cues come from our bodies. Do our shoulders tense when we see an influencer’s name pop up in our inbox? Does our heart rate quicken when we see a price tag that we simply cannot stomach (in this economy?) Do we feel like crying or throwing away all our clothing when our “favorite” icon shows off a new dreamy haul? All of these are cues that could indicate the content we’re taking in isn’t serving us as deeply as we may think.
A fashion outlet, content creator, social media site, or other lifestyle content may not be serving us when we feel:
A sense of extreme urgency—such as an urgent need to purchase, or change something about ourselves. This could be an urgent need to buy a specific item, browse online, or an intense, somewhat sickly pressure to consider body modifications. You will never hear me vilify any of these activities (shopping, body modifications) — Instead, I’m encouraging that our bodies may be able to tell us when we’re making a peaceful, aligned choice vs one we’re doing out of fear, shame or a desire to be accepted by society. It’s up to us to decide what to do about it.
A feeling of “wrongness” — I.e. “I never buy the right things,” or “I have bad taste.” These are examples of black and white thinking (ex, always, never). In these moments, I remind myself that style is completely subjective: looking back at history and even norms from one country to the next (hell, one city to the next!) —there are no objective truths in fashion. I find that soothing.
You hear their voice in your head louder than your own (this is a big one for me!) Such as, “would X person buy this? If not, I should hold off, even if I really like it.” This is our brains creating a false hierarchy—i.e. their style is better than mine. When I get into this trap, I try to remind myself that I can admire someone else’s style without their style being better than mine. Just different.
Generally feeling discouraged, sad, confused or wrong after engaging with this particular content—whether that’s an individual or an organization. Writing and talking about fashion can lead to complicated feelings about our self worth, our own style, our own taste, and more. If interacting with a particular creator consistently leaves you feeling worse than when you started, consider what your life would be like if you unfollowed. Would there be more space for something else that lifts you up?
How else might this show up in our bodies? A twisting feeling in our stomachs; dry mouth, tightness in our chest, pulse quickening, prickling eyes, exasperation, a desire to run away or throw our device, or exclaim in frustration.
Signs a writer or influencer might good fit for you right now:
Interacting with their work generally leaves you feeling energized or content with who you are as a person, and the clothing in your closet. Perhaps they share styling tips that are useful to you, normalize outfit repeating, or demonstrate imperfect gratitude. This could feel like wanting to drop what you’re doing and try adding a scarf to our favorite bag, or pair a top with a pair of pants you’ve never tried before. Physically, this could manifest as a tingly, joyful sensation—maybe a smile, maybe your shoulders drop, or you want to snap a pic to send to the group chat.
Something about their experience helps you feel less alone. Maybe seeing their body in clothes helps you accept your own body a little bit more. Or maybe the way they talk about budgeting or shopping secondhand relates to your experience of needing to be selective when you shop.
Look for a full-body yes! Just as we might be looking for a “full body YES!” when buying a new pair of shoes, we can look for a full body YES when reading fashion content. This feeling can become a barometer when “shopping” for other creators: noting when you feel this way can help hone your intuition.
How else might this show up in our bodies? Lightness in our shoulders, spring in our step, boundless joy or creativity, peacefulness or calm, or a deep, resonant sigh.
Other considerations:
Look for identity-based influencing as a stepping stone to deeper self-acceptance. I’ve read stories of influencers getting backlash from their followers for changing—whether that’s increasing their discretionary spending, or experiencing changes to their body. It’s amazing to feel less alone in an experience by finding influencers that seem to relate to our situations. But we have to continue the work of validating our own selves, whether that influencer continues to share our experience or not.
We can walk away from an influencer, at any time, for any reason. Just as our friendships and relationships ebb and flow, so can our relationships with influencers. We can feel super connected to someone one day and as our circumstances change, the fit becomes clunkier. In fact, walking away from an influencer can be even easier than walking away from an IRL connection, since primarily the relationship is one-sided!! For my fellow-recovering people-pleasers: unsubscribing does not mean rejecting or diminishing the connection you once had with a creator. Instead, we can clear up space in our lives for creators that make sense to us today, just as we let go of clothing that no longer fits.
It’s not the outlets’ responsibility to make you feel good. In fact, many influencers (as a result of the corporations that employ them) might appear to directly benefit from the uncomfortable feelings that make us want to spend our money. Owning our responsibility for our feelings can actually be extremely empowering, once we realize that moving through our feeling is completely within our control.1 Similarly, learning that we are not our thoughts helps pull me out of thought-spirals.2 More on that in an episode of the Intuitive Style podcast with guest
.
To wrap things up, I’d like to re-iterate that these are my reflections and recommendations based on my unique lived experience engaging with influencers and fashion outlets.
I am absolutely positive there are reasons it may be beneficial to continue to engage with an outlet, even if your experience with it doesn’t feel great in your body. But if you are looking for permission to disengage or even simply reduce your interactions with a particular type of fashion content: then please know you have it, even if I’m the one you need to unfollow.
Social media platforms are not known for their flexibility or customization—which is why being selective with who we follow and why can be one of the best ways to assert a little control over our experience on these platforms.
How do you decide who to follow or unfollow?
I’d love to hear!
That’s it for this week’s Notes to Self!
Thanks for spending a moment here. I hope this week’s Notes to Self helps you carve out your own space to recenter.
If you enjoyed this installment, let me know by leaving a comment or liking this post!
xx, M
Did you know emotions have a beginning, middle and an end? Emily Nagoski is your go-to on this.
In a great episode of We Can Do Hard things, Glennon & Co. learn all about OCD— take a listen, it’s relevant for anyone who relates to the experience of anxiety or rumination.
I love this so much. I do subscribe and unsubscribe based on what FEELS good right now. And it’s incredibly freeing. From the side of someone creating content, I don’t have unsubscribe notifications turned on. That’s because I don’t want to know who unsubscribes. Because THEY should feel free to do so and I don’t want that to influence whether or not I still consume their content.
The only ‘influencer’ who has actually driven purchases for me is Amy. And I often evaluate whether I actually LIKE what she’s selling or if I’m buying them because it’s her. And I’m talking about non Tibi items here. Like I bought a Rick Owens belt after she talked about it. And just now, a necklace and a bag. I’ve realized it’s because she’s really smart about finding items that are pragmatic and act as friction TOOLS. BUT it could also be because I just think she’s a genius. Anyway, no great answer here but this is an evaluation I continue to do when I buy things I saw on her. If another influencer had that impact on me I would do the same. Keep following when they are showing me GOOD shit and explaining the why. Unsubscribe if I am trying to be them.
Such good advice! I’ve been curating my subscriptions recently too based on this.
I’m subscribing or unsubscribing based on how I feel. After reading an article, am I excited to go try a new idea out or go play with my wardrobe? Or do I feel like my wardrobe is lacking and I now need to buy all these new things?
I’m also unsubscribing from Substacks that are shopping focused: ie the entire post is affiliate links. Those are incredibly popular if you look at the charts, but it’s not my cup of tea.
Thank you so much for always being that sensible but non judgmental voice of reason ❤️